culture, politics, commentary, criticism

Wednesday, December 14, 2005
The Second Annual White House Christmas Special! Last year Skimbleland presented
the first annual White House Christmas Special, a television spectacular available only on the lesser cable channels.

Before I break for my winter hibernation, I am pleased to present you with the exciting, all-new 2005 edition. Please feel free to sing along:
Fade up on the TV studio set of a snowy Washington DC: twinkling lights, a festively decorated Christmas tree, an all-Caucasian nativity scene, Laura Bush with a tumbler of vodka — the White House.

The back wall of the studio is a blue cyclorama of a repeated pattern that says: "Christmas under attack."

CEOs of the US defense and oil industries (not under oath) enter.

God Rest Ye Merry Neocons

Sung by the US defense and oil industries
to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"

God rest ye merry, neocons,
Let nothing you dismay.
Remember Ahmed Chalabi
Has yet his hell to pay
For setting up America
Which Cheney led astray.
O tax cuts of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
O tax cuts of comfort and joy.

Enter Bush Senior and Scowcroft.

What Son Is This?

Sung by George H. W. Bush and Brent Scowcroft
to the tune of "What Child Is This?"

What son is this,
Who laid to rest
On Cheney’s lap is sleeping?
And who conspires
With anthems sweet
while Halliburton’s reaping?

This, this the New York Times
That justifies the White House crimes.
Waste, waste the blood of men
For Bush, the son of Nixon.

Enter readers of the New York Times.

New York Times

Sung by readers of the The New York Times
to the tune of "We Three Kings"

New York Times, this lady is gray,
Acting in the Pentagon’s play.
Cheney’s minting
Lies they’re printing.
What will you print today?

Judy Miller lied to me.
Told us of the W-M-D.
Such misleading
Lies you’re feeding,
Guide us to your Chalabi.

Enter Seymour Hersh carrying a copy of The New Yorker.

O Abu Ghraib

A solo sung by Seymour Hersh
to the tune of "O Tannenbaum"
(i.e., "O Christmas Tree" for those who speak only Amurcan)

O Abu Ghraib,
O Abu Ghraib,
How Christian are your tortures?
O Abu Ghraib,
O Abu Ghraib,
How Christian are your tortures?

The sight of broken detainees
Reveals a neocon disease.
O Abu Ghraib,
O Abu Ghraib,
How Christian are your tortures?

Enter Harriet Miers with a big box of Kleenex.

Harriet Miers

Tearfully sung by Harriet Miers
to the tune of "Silent Night"

Harriet Miers,
Harriet Miers,
Lost among
Louts and liars.
Such a kissass sycophant,
So unqualified, wingnuts did rant.
Sleep forgotten in peace,
Sleep forgotten in peace.

Enter Jenna Bush with a vodka tonic and an enormous bong.

I’ll Be High in Crawford

Sung by Jenna Bush
to the tune of "I’ll Be Home for Christmas"

I’ll be high in Crawford,
You can count on me.
Things to smoke
And lines of coke
For our whole family.

Christmas Eve will find me
Drinking quarts of wine.
I’ll be high in Crawford
Until 2009!

Enter American television viewers.

Pundits We Have Heard on High

Sung by American television viewers
to the tune of "Angels We Have Heard on High"

Pundits we have heard on high
Sweetly singing o’er the air.
Cable poohbahs wonder why
Pat Fitzgerald’s waiting there.

Mo - o - o - o - o - re of these
Indictments are coming.
Mo - o - o - o - o - re of these
Indictments are coming.

Enter a glaze-eyed Skimble, holding a television remote control.

O’Reilly Night

Sung by Skimble on the sofa
to the tune of "O Holy Night"

O’Reilly night,
His lips are brightly lying.
These are the lies that will lose minds and hearts.
Can’t find the truth
In spin and error frying,
So we rely on falafel and farts.

That background noise is whining wingnut voices,
A Yellow Terror threat is on the crawl…

Find your remotes!
Oh, hear O’Reilly lying!
Oh, Fox, it bites.
Oh, night when I was bored.
Oh, Fox, it bites.
Oh, Fox,
Oh, Fox, it bites.

Enter the brightly attired Secular Humanism Christmas Holiday Chorale.

Joy to the World: Evolution Edition

Sung by the Secular Humanism Christmas Holiday Chorale
to the tune of "Joy to the World"

Joy to the world,
This duck is lame.
Let Darwin do his thing!
Let every state
Know where to place the blame,
And heav’n and nature sing,
And heav’n and nature sing,
And heav’n and nature sing!

Joy to the world,
The madness wanes.
Let Reason cheer as well!
While fields and floods,
Rocks, hills and plains
Let Kansas go to hell,
Let Kansas go to hell,
Let Kansas go to hell!
See you in 2006.

Greatest Hits · Alternatives to First Command Financial Planning · First Command, last resort, Part 3 · Part 2 · Part 1 · Stealing $50K from a widow: Wells Real Estate · Leo Wells, REITs and divine wealth · Sex-crazed Red State teenagers · What I hate: a manifesto · Spawn of Darleen Druyun · All-American high school sex party · Why is Ken Lay smiling? · Poppy's Enron birthday party · The Saudi money laundry and the president's uncle · The sentence of Enron's John Forney · The holiness of Neil Bush's marriage · The Silence of Cheney: a poem · South Park Christians · Capitalist against Bush: Warren Buffett · Fastow childen vs. Enron children · Give your prescription money to your old boss · Neil Bush, hard-working matchmaker · Republicans against fetuses and pregnant women · Emboldened Ken Lay · Faith-based jails · Please die for me so I can skip your funeral · A brief illustrated history of the Republican Party · Nancy Victory · Soldiers become accountants · Beware the Merrill Lynch mob · Darleen Druyun's $5.7 billion surprise · First responder funding · Hoovering the country · First Command fifty percent load · Ken Lay and the Atkins diet · Halliburton WMD · Leave no CEO behind · August in Crawford · Elaine Pagels · Profitable slave labor at Halliburton · Tom Hanks + Mujahideen · Sharon & Neilsie Bush · One weekend a month, or eternity · Is the US pumping Iraqi oil to Kuwait? · Cheney's war · Seth Glickenhaus: Capitalist against Bush · Martha's blow job · Mark Belnick: Tyco Catholic nut · Cheney's deferred Halliburton compensation · Jeb sucks sugar cane · Poindexter & LifeLog · American Family Association panic · Riley Bechtel and the crony economy · The Book of Sharon (Bush) · The Art of Enron · Plunder convention · Waiting in Kuwait: Jay Garner · What's an Army private worth? · Barbara Bodine, Queen of Baghdad · Sneaky bastards at Halliburton · Golf course and barbecue military strategy · Enron at large · Recent astroturf · Cracker Chic 2 · No business like war business · Big Brother · Martha Stewart vs. Thomas White · Roger Kimball, disappointed Republican poetry fan · Cheney, Lay, Afghanistan · Terry Lynn Barton, crimes of burning · Feasting at the Cheney trough · Who would Jesus indict? · Return of the Carlyle Group · Duct tape is for little people · GOP and bad medicine · Sears Tower vs Mt Rushmore · Scared Christians · Crooked playing field · John O'Neill: The man who knew · Back to the top

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