Before I break for my winter hibernation, I am pleased to present you with the exciting, all-new 2005 edition. Please feel free to sing along:
Fade up on the TV studio set of a snowy Washington DC: twinkling lights, a festively decorated Christmas tree, an all-Caucasian nativity scene, Laura Bush with a tumbler of vodka — the White House.
The back wall of the studio is a blue cyclorama of a repeated pattern that says: "Christmas under attack."
CEOs of the US defense and oil industries (not under oath) enter.
God Rest Ye Merry Neocons
Sung by the US defense and oil industries to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"
God rest ye merry, neocons, Let nothing you dismay. Remember Ahmed Chalabi Has yet his hell to pay For setting up America Which Cheney led astray. O tax cuts of comfort and joy, Comfort and joy, O tax cuts of comfort and joy.
Enter Bush Senior and Scowcroft.
What Son Is This?
Sung by George H. W. Bush and Brent Scowcroft to the tune of "What Child Is This?"
What son is this, Who laid to rest On Cheney’s lap is sleeping? And who conspires With anthems sweet while Halliburton’s reaping?
This, this the New York Times That justifies the White House crimes. Waste, waste the blood of men For Bush, the son of Nixon.
Enter readers of the New York Times.
New York Times
Sung by readers of the The New York Times to the tune of "We Three Kings"
New York Times, this lady is gray, Acting in the Pentagon’s play. Cheney’s minting Lies they’re printing. What will you print today?
Oh, Judy Miller lied to me. Told us of the W-M-D. Such misleading Lies you’re feeding, Guide us to your Chalabi.
Enter Seymour Hersh carrying a copy of The New Yorker.
O Abu Ghraib
A solo sung by Seymour Hersh to the tune of "O Tannenbaum" (i.e., "O Christmas Tree" for those who speak only Amurcan)
O Abu Ghraib, O Abu Ghraib, How Christian are your tortures? O Abu Ghraib, O Abu Ghraib, How Christian are your tortures?
The sight of broken detainees Reveals a neocon disease. O Abu Ghraib, O Abu Ghraib, How Christian are your tortures?
Enter Harriet Miers with a big box of Kleenex.
Tearfully sung by Harriet Miers to the tune of "Silent Night"
Harriet Miers, Harriet Miers, Lost among Louts and liars. Such a kissass sycophant, So unqualified, wingnuts did rant. Sleep forgotten in peace, Sleep forgotten in peace.
Enter Jenna Bush with a vodka tonic and an enormous bong.
I’ll Be High in Crawford
Sung by Jenna Bush to the tune of "I’ll Be Home for Christmas"
I’ll be high in Crawford, You can count on me. Things to smoke And lines of coke For our whole family.
Christmas Eve will find me Drinking quarts of wine. I’ll be high in Crawford Until 2009!
Enter American television viewers.
Pundits We Have Heard on High
Sung by American television viewers to the tune of "Angels We Have Heard on High"
Pundits we have heard on high Sweetly singing o’er the air. Cable poohbahs wonder why Pat Fitzgerald’s waiting there.
Mo - o - o - o - o - re of these Indictments are coming. Mo - o - o - o - o - re of these Indictments are coming.
Enter a glaze-eyed Skimble, holding a television remote control.
Sung by Skimble on the sofa to the tune of "O Holy Night"
O’Reilly night, His lips are brightly lying. These are the lies that will lose minds and hearts. Can’t find the truth In spin and error frying, So we rely on falafel and farts.
That background noise is whining wingnut voices, A Yellow Terror threat is on the crawl…
Find your remotes! Oh, hear O’Reilly lying! Oh, Fox, it bites. Oh, night when I was bored. Oh, Fox, it bites. Oh, Fox, Oh, Fox, it bites.
Enter the brightly attired Secular Humanism Christmas Holiday Chorale.
Joy to the World: Evolution Edition
Sung by the Secular Humanism Christmas Holiday Chorale to the tune of "Joy to the World"
Joy to the world, This duck is lame. Let Darwin do his thing! Let every state Know where to place the blame, And heav’n and nature sing, And heav’n and nature sing, And heav’n and nature sing!
Joy to the world, The madness wanes. Let Reason cheer as well! While fields and floods, Rocks, hills and plains Let Kansas go to hell, Let Kansas go to hell, Let Kansas go to hell!