culture, politics, commentary, criticism

Monday, February 17, 2003
Dispatch from the Home Depot trenches. This is a friend of a friend's emailed account of what it was like to be an employee at Home Depot last Thursday (lightly edited for length and broken into paragraphs, but otherwise unaltered):
I was truly entertained today at work. At the HOME DEPOT! From the minute I walked into work this morning at around a quarter to 7 I was stampeded by a herd of woman… all panick stricken about the high terroist alert and accompanied with a government shopping list in hand.

Located right across from my department stands the paint department. This was the happening place to be today. ... Where all the plastic sheeting used for paint drop clothes is on display and in stock for. Not only was this a top demand but equally was the duck tape. Located in the same aisle. These people were all literally nuts.

They presumed I was the expert on the subject. As if I personally had a government connection and new what grade of sheeting was the best for a biological attack. I would tell them "They tell me you need at least 6mil grade to handle anthrax and 4mil to block out mustard gas. Nothing I have is good for radiation"

Some believed me, some gave me a cutesy dirty look. Sad, but true. And I might regret ripping on these people when they are found dead tomorrow morning. After they all suffocate themselves and die of anoxia after they duck tape wrap there precious little abodes. These people live very sad sad tales. It makes you think why the government is not focusing on how they can help these poor lost souls.

I would even make them more neuratic by telling them that to really be affective blocking out these agents you really need to cover your chimney because any hole or air intake coming from the outside would wipe you out right away anyway. Which is true. I did research. Hilarious! These people... They probably go home.... maybe straighten up the house a little bit, wait for their children to come home from school and just WORRY their lives away. And I thought I was neuratic.

Let me just put it this way... These people all have an illness and need to be medicated. Or maybe they are already medicated and just screwed up because of that. Whatever the case may be. So there I am trying to crack jokes with them... trying to have a little fun with them. And more importantly trying to Push Sales. Because it's my job.

I kept Reminding them that tomorrow is Valentines day. And what a better gift to give then duct tape and plastic sheeting. That really shows how much you care for someone close to you. Some bought into this bullshit. Which thrilled me even more. I almost got my rocks off. Playing it serious on the outside but laughing my ass off on the inside. Duct tape and plastic the gift that keeps on giving. But the majority were humourless. Serious to no end. Stricktly business. Needed to get the tape and sheets before they were all sold out. Stock piling there baskets like the end of the world was here or the sky was falling. Then I thought to myself, is this how they act come Holiday time when they have to find the Tickle-Me-Elmo or earlier yet, the Cabbage Patch Kid. It has to be on or pretty close to the same level.

At the same time I was having fun with these people I was also feeling very sad. Thinking why did the government share this info and make all these people nuts. Why couldn't he just tell the local government to be on the look-out. Then I thought... Duct tape is probably the most useful fixer-upper on this planet. Now there is a shortage of it. For every roll we sold today it's a win for the terroist's. Now, when I really could use a roll there won't be any. Little boy who cried wolf. Pallet after pallet was taken down. The reach truck went the full mile today. By three o'clock ALL GONE.

But thats when the laughs got even more out of control. I even had to excuse myself to the bathroom because I could not control myself. I was on the verge of being rude to the customer. People kept flocking in. Wanting to buy more and more duct tape and sheets. "Can you believe it...We are all sold out. Sorry Home Depot was not able to accomodate your needs today." And laughed my ass home.

Stock tip of the day: 3M. Buy it today.
What holds this country together? Not our system of democracy. Not our borders. Not the economy. Not our ideals. Not a vision for the future.

Duct tape.

Greatest Hits · Alternatives to First Command Financial Planning · First Command, last resort, Part 3 · Part 2 · Part 1 · Stealing $50K from a widow: Wells Real Estate · Leo Wells, REITs and divine wealth · Sex-crazed Red State teenagers · What I hate: a manifesto · Spawn of Darleen Druyun · All-American high school sex party · Why is Ken Lay smiling? · Poppy's Enron birthday party · The Saudi money laundry and the president's uncle · The sentence of Enron's John Forney · The holiness of Neil Bush's marriage · The Silence of Cheney: a poem · South Park Christians · Capitalist against Bush: Warren Buffett · Fastow childen vs. Enron children · Give your prescription money to your old boss · Neil Bush, hard-working matchmaker · Republicans against fetuses and pregnant women · Emboldened Ken Lay · Faith-based jails · Please die for me so I can skip your funeral · A brief illustrated history of the Republican Party · Nancy Victory · Soldiers become accountants · Beware the Merrill Lynch mob · Darleen Druyun's $5.7 billion surprise · First responder funding · Hoovering the country · First Command fifty percent load · Ken Lay and the Atkins diet · Halliburton WMD · Leave no CEO behind · August in Crawford · Elaine Pagels · Profitable slave labor at Halliburton · Tom Hanks + Mujahideen · Sharon & Neilsie Bush · One weekend a month, or eternity · Is the US pumping Iraqi oil to Kuwait? · Cheney's war · Seth Glickenhaus: Capitalist against Bush · Martha's blow job · Mark Belnick: Tyco Catholic nut · Cheney's deferred Halliburton compensation · Jeb sucks sugar cane · Poindexter & LifeLog · American Family Association panic · Riley Bechtel and the crony economy · The Book of Sharon (Bush) · The Art of Enron · Plunder convention · Waiting in Kuwait: Jay Garner · What's an Army private worth? · Barbara Bodine, Queen of Baghdad · Sneaky bastards at Halliburton · Golf course and barbecue military strategy · Enron at large · Recent astroturf · Cracker Chic 2 · No business like war business · Big Brother · Martha Stewart vs. Thomas White · Roger Kimball, disappointed Republican poetry fan · Cheney, Lay, Afghanistan · Terry Lynn Barton, crimes of burning · Feasting at the Cheney trough · Who would Jesus indict? · Return of the Carlyle Group · Duct tape is for little people · GOP and bad medicine · Sears Tower vs Mt Rushmore · Scared Christians · Crooked playing field · John O'Neill: The man who knew · Back to the top

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