culture, politics, commentary, criticism

Wednesday, December 19, 2007
The Fourth Annual White House Christmas Special! 'Tis the season for treason, so let's get it started...

Please feel free to sing along.
Picture a beautiful winter landscape imaginatively recreated in a television studio — sparkling snowdrifts amid bare birch trees, tall silhouettes of distant firs and pines, a twilight blue sky, stars twinkling like diamonds...

Monica Lewinsky, dressed in a nun's outfit and holding a lighted candle, enters.

Good Rest Room for a Senator

Sung by Monica Lewinsky
to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentleman"

Good rest room for a senator
Is where he taps his feet
To signal other hypocrites
They’re caught if not discreet
They save us all from weddings gay
While sucking sausage sweet
O blowjobs of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy
O blowjobs of comfort and joy

Enter creditors of the United States in choral robes.

What Loan Is This?

Sung by the USA’s creditors
to the tune of "What Child Is This?"

What loan is this
That turns to piss
In subprime deals appalling?
Send gold in sacks
Goldman Sachs
Who bet on markets falling.

This, this is Greenspan’s curse
Which started bad and ended worse
Shit, shit is our credit worth
To banks, the sons of Alan.

Enter CIA spooks.

O Video

Sung by the CIA
to the tune of "O Tannenbaum"

O video, o video
The evidence disgraced you
O video, o video
I must have just erased you

Not only in Guantanamo
But anywhere combatants go
O video, o video
I think I just erased you

Enter American cable television viewers, waving remote controls.


Sung by American cable television viewers
To the tune of "Silver Bells"

Bill O’Reilly
Shrill O’Reilly
Spews in everyday style
On the air
There’s a feeling
That’s creepy
Something awful
Like falafel
Spins out mile after mile
So you switch from Fox only to hear

It’s Countdown time in the city
Don’t you know
Ratings grow
When you’re not lying like Bill

Enter Democratic voters and the entire world.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Sung by Democratic voters
And the rest of the world
To the tune of "Do You Hear What I Hear?"

Said the pundits to the folks at home,
“Do you see what I see?
Coming right at you, folks at home…
Do you see what I see?
A bomb, a bomb, landing on your head
And Muslims under your bed,
And Muslims under your bed.”

Said the people to the talking heads,
“Do you hear what I hear?
Listen very close, talking heads.
Do you hear what I hear?
The sound, the sound made without regrets
Of the people turning off their sets,
Of the people turning off their sets.”

Enter atheists, dressed in chic black robes.

Up on the Housetop

Sung by American atheists
to the tune of "Up on the Housetop"

Up on the housetop reindeer flit
Out jumps good old Romney, Mitt!
Promising freedom for everyone —
Not for the atheists,
They’re no fun!

Flip, flip, flop!
Where’s his voice?
Flip, flip, flop!
Pro-life or choice?
Up on the housetop
Flop, flop, flip!
Magical Mormon Romney, Mitt!

Enter all American citizens.

The Twelve Days of Christmas

Sung by American citizens
to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas"

On the first day of Christmas the Bushies gave to me
A war from the GOP

On the second day of Christmas the Bushies gave to me
Two chickenhawks
And a war from the GOP

On the third day of Christmas the Bushies gave to me
Three tax cuts
Two chickenhawks
And a war from the GOP

On the fourth day of Christmas the Bushies gave to me
Four lawyers lying
Three tax cuts
Two chickenhawks
And a war from the GOP

On the fifth day of Christmas the Bushies gave to me
Five trillion spent
Four lawyers lying
Three tax cuts
Two chickenhawks
And a war from the GOP

[skip to the last verse]

On the twelfth day of Christmas the Bushies gave to me
Twelve investigations
Eleven indictments
Ten subpoenas
Nine closet cases
Eight years a-wasting
Seven scandals stewing
Six rogues resigning
Five trillion spent
Four lawyers lying
Three tax cuts
Two chickenhawks
And a war from the GOP

Enter Skimble, who conducts a ragtag bunch of dirty liberal hippie bloggers wholesome chorus of middle-class Americans dressed in festive red, white and blue.

We Wish You a Mrs. Clinton

Sung by liberal bloggers, Democratic voters,
the reality-based community,
and wellwishers from around the globe
to the tune of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"

We wish you a Mrs. Clinton,
We wish you Barack Obama,
We wish you a Johnny Edwards in a happy new year.
A bad year we bring to Bush and his kin,
A bad year for Cheney is a happy new year.

We wish you a Mrs. Clinton,
We wish you Barack Obama,
We wish you a Johnny Edwards in a happy new year,
Two thousand and eight the White House goes straight
A change of regime means a happy new year.
Everyone here in enchanted Skimbleland wishes you and yours an excellent 2008 — the first year in a long time in which hope might not be a misplaced emotion.

If you enjoyed this, then you might enjoy the original White House Christmas Special, as well as the Second Annual White House Christmas Special. (The Third was a rerun.)

Merry FSMmas and Happy New Year!

Greatest Hits · Alternatives to First Command Financial Planning · First Command, last resort, Part 3 · Part 2 · Part 1 · Stealing $50K from a widow: Wells Real Estate · Leo Wells, REITs and divine wealth · Sex-crazed Red State teenagers · What I hate: a manifesto · Spawn of Darleen Druyun · All-American high school sex party · Why is Ken Lay smiling? · Poppy's Enron birthday party · The Saudi money laundry and the president's uncle · The sentence of Enron's John Forney · The holiness of Neil Bush's marriage · The Silence of Cheney: a poem · South Park Christians · Capitalist against Bush: Warren Buffett · Fastow childen vs. Enron children · Give your prescription money to your old boss · Neil Bush, hard-working matchmaker · Republicans against fetuses and pregnant women · Emboldened Ken Lay · Faith-based jails · Please die for me so I can skip your funeral · A brief illustrated history of the Republican Party · Nancy Victory · Soldiers become accountants · Beware the Merrill Lynch mob · Darleen Druyun's $5.7 billion surprise · First responder funding · Hoovering the country · First Command fifty percent load · Ken Lay and the Atkins diet · Halliburton WMD · Leave no CEO behind · August in Crawford · Elaine Pagels · Profitable slave labor at Halliburton · Tom Hanks + Mujahideen · Sharon & Neilsie Bush · One weekend a month, or eternity · Is the US pumping Iraqi oil to Kuwait? · Cheney's war · Seth Glickenhaus: Capitalist against Bush · Martha's blow job · Mark Belnick: Tyco Catholic nut · Cheney's deferred Halliburton compensation · Jeb sucks sugar cane · Poindexter & LifeLog · American Family Association panic · Riley Bechtel and the crony economy · The Book of Sharon (Bush) · The Art of Enron · Plunder convention · Waiting in Kuwait: Jay Garner · What's an Army private worth? · Barbara Bodine, Queen of Baghdad · Sneaky bastards at Halliburton · Golf course and barbecue military strategy · Enron at large · Recent astroturf · Cracker Chic 2 · No business like war business · Big Brother · Martha Stewart vs. Thomas White · Roger Kimball, disappointed Republican poetry fan · Cheney, Lay, Afghanistan · Terry Lynn Barton, crimes of burning · Feasting at the Cheney trough · Who would Jesus indict? · Return of the Carlyle Group · Duct tape is for little people · GOP and bad medicine · Sears Tower vs Mt Rushmore · Scared Christians · Crooked playing field · John O'Neill: The man who knew · Back to the top

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